I can still joke about it after getting accused like that.
Let's see... the first thing that popped up in my mind was "What are you trying to say? What are you trying to say?"
I was speechless and totally least expect this accusation coming from my own family. I couldn't believe it.
So, "What are you trying to say" means I couldn't believe what I was hearing. My next though was, "How could you say such thing?" I was disappointed.
I didn't even want to try defend myself. It was just... Whatever and fuck it.
It's just my image has gone so bad. Even family members. Such a tragic.
"Nothing" is the answer that I had been hearing for quite some time.
"Nothing" actually means there's so many things.
"Nothing" is the easiest form of answer when there's so many things but she is just too fucking lazy to say them.
I'd seen enough when someone say "Nothing."
We might be in love with our own illusion and our idea of a particular person.
I don't know her well enough but that's what attract me to know more about her.
There are obstacles in between us, but I have time. She's the first to be able to break the chain that bind me in these few years. I'm really happy.
Thinking of her, thinking of what can be, is way much cooler than thinking of what could be.
Make Fear my friend and my motivator.
I pray to Fear to haunt me before I sleep,
And seek me in my dream,
Wake me up in the middle of the night,
Wake me up and let me bathe in my sweats.
Why is it that growing up makes us grumpier? Is it because, we realize that what we had planned did not work out and possibly never will.
13 years after graduating from secondary school. I am still not happy.
Or did I forget to count the blessing and fail to see the miracle happening right now?
Today is the day that gets me thinking the most.
The first is seeing her, which never fails to bring myself to meet that younger self of mine. What did I told myself that I'll be doing, and where am I right now.
Then, the movie Paper Town.
The last message I got from the movie is about miracle. We all chase after a miracle to happen in our lives, but we fail to see that it's already happening, until we choose to accept them.
And thought after thought, I have to confess that I had been trying to be someone I am not. I wasn't proud of myself.
I am a nerd trying to be uber cool.
I ended up being weird.
Now I am stuck in between.
Not good enough to be smart,
Not good enough to be popular.
Never be loyal, never love the company, never be the boss friend.
Keep nothing personal, it's all business.
How to maintain the dharma? Or how to do your own part?
Hmm...
Things to ponder about.
Another part I understand about myself is I am someone who follows hierarchy and rules.
Before I started working in this new department, I was under an unreasonable ride manager in local sales department.
I did not complain, I get fucked unreasonably all the time. And I kept my mouth shut.
After changing department and report to different manager, he became my subordinate. Which means, same ranking.
He was rude at one point, and I didn't even stop to think for two seconds and I fucked him back straight away.
Because I no longer report to him.
Because he does not have anything to do with my appraisal.
Because he does not sign my claim.
My policy is always "I won't bully you, but don't bully me."
When I no longer under your authority, make sure you have my respects, or it's almost guaranteed that I'll fuck you upside down when you mess with me.
I suddenly wake up from my sleep, sweating, filled with fear. I think that's a sign telling me something is not right.
I had been sleeping well for many months. Maybe I'm feeling overwhelmed.
Lack of system, lack of schedule. I think that's the case. I need to think.
One of the lesson I learned from Siddhata Buddha Gautama is about acceptance.
1. Acceptance about self.
2. Acceptance about others.
3. Acceptance about events.
Acceptance about self is accepting who you are and the way you are. You are perfect in your own way. Maybe it causes harm to others or hurt to yourself, it's because you use yourself in the wrong way. You're perfectly fine and perfect. Just accept who you are, and use yourself in the right way.
Acceptance about others is accepting who they are; your spouse, your family, your friends, your relatives. They are perfect in the way they are. They don't have to change, but you have to change the way you look at them and the perception of what they are. Accepting them as who they are.
Accepting about events. Things happened. You cannot change the way it happen, how it happen and why it happen. It comes and go. It is our perception that causes us hurt, not the the events. If it's death, time comes and everyone does. By changing your point of view, you changes the world.
My friend suggested I become a motivator or counselor. It wasn't really a bad idea. But since I'm kinda busy with minding my own business, maybe I'll put the plan on hold.
Instead, I'll post something motivating and positive on my Facebook status update. Hope it helps :D
I'm damaged and beaten badly.
Maybe that's why I don't want the same thing happened to the person right next to me.
To do that, I'm always smiling, always positive and always motivating :D
So, is it fake?
Nope. I am like that :)
I read about Tiger in Chinese zodiac articles. As someone who are born in the year of Tiger, I am someone who always has a motive in anything that I do.
Yea, I agree with this. I am someone who always has a motive, and always scheming. I'm such a cunning person.
Maybe because I need self-rationalisation in the things that I do, and when I do something for someone or others.
But I do find myself doing few things, which has no motives element in it like; being a friend (if click), being a chat mate (if click), helping without thinking, knowing new friends (if click)...
Maybe the motives are filling up my full life... but what the heck, I pass that utility scanning when I do the non-motivated things above!
Some point in life, we might have been utilized by others. Be cautious, don't be vengeful ;)
So I venture into business... again. For the don't-know-how-many times. Everything seems to be easier. The start-up process become like a routine. I was quite familiar with it. And also the things to look into.
But deep inside, I still have fear. Fear of failing again. Doing it slow lack of momentum, doing it fast I might be able to handle to speed. Anyway, I think I will just need to be cautious.
I preferred if it begins with friendship.
Unknowingly attracted to each other,
And slowly grow from there.
Started with holding hands, then hugs.
Grow with a kiss. And going further after that.
Going through, growing together.
But sometimes, instead of growing closer,
We grow apart.
We do have our obstacles when we're together. It could be the family background, it could be the distance, or status.
Both will try to work it out.
Somehow one of us will get tired.
And decided to let it go.
And one of us might still be struggling and holding on.
Who is right, who is wrong?
It doesn't matter.
We will grow from the tears we shed,
From mending our broken heart.
It should get better. The next one should be happier.
And just some thoughts about my experience. If history repeat, if same thing happening again.
Could it be, I never change? Could it be, I never stop and take a look and think? Could it be?
Simplicity is about following what our heart says in simple way. If we like it, we like it. If we don't, we don't. Try not to do something which make us feel bad of ourselves after we comply to others.
Simplicity is to comply with others. This might contradicts the first rule. But the key is... if it's no big deal complying and it won't make you feel bad after that, why not?
Simplicity is just being nice to others first. If they are not nice, just stop being nice or just ignore them. If they are nice, we continue the flow.
Simplicity is to accept that others might not comply with us. It's their matter of choice and we need to accept it. We do have expectation when we ask others, but we need to accept others are not obligated to comply with us. Like how we're not obligated to comply with them.
Simplicity in following our heart. Always ask,
Does it hurt yourself?
Does it hurt your family?
Does it hurt others?
Does it hurt living things?
Does it hurt the world?
If the answer to all the questions is no, why not?
Simplicity is the art of able to accept ourselves and accept others, by following how our heart feels.
Not all things can be solved with simplicity. There is complicity in other aspects of our world. But at least such simplicity can help us get through the minor situations, so we can focus on the bigger matters.
Things got better when I am able to accept myself.
Accept my past,
Accept my fault,
Accept my regrets,
Accept everything that happened.
They made me the person I am today.
Thanks to that optimistic part of me, though there are things which hurt and haunt me, which they still do. I will always have the whisper that tell me, Things will get better.
I'm not being stupid or simple minded. I just know my experience will bring through. There will be more which I will face again.
But just like in the past, I will make it through :)
A friend who mine just got dumped by his girlfriend of 5 years. He was down and he told me that the reason of his financial situation.
He got a huge debts, and is blacklisted, constantly broke. He only have a meager job, he got a house and car but all is under his sister's name.
I told him straight to his face but I didn't expect it to be a wake up call for him.
I said, "A man's finance is like a woman's beauty. Will you want to be with a woman who doesn't take care of their beauty (minimal at least) and looks like a chimpanzee? Same goes to a man. How can a woman wants to be with a man if he is as broke as the dry stick?"
A woman wants to be beautiful, because she wants to have choices to be fucked by the alpha man.
Just like man, chasing after wealth and power, so they can be the alpha man and can fuck the most beautiful woman (or women).
All this to ensure his children will have a good gene (beauty is seen as good like birds and bees are attracted to most beautiful fruits and flowers).
And all this will ensure her children will be well taken of by his wealth and power.)
This is nature. This is facts.
Humans, like all living things have only two sole purposes;
Self-preservation, and reproduction."
I came up with this quote about work.
Every morning when I go to work;
"No late no early,
Sharp sharp eight thirty."
And after work will be;
"No late no early,
Chun chun five thirty."
Then I'll be sipek healthy :D
