The Only Everlastingness is the Everchangingness

I just read Janice's blog. I feel kinda guilty for forgetting to send her a sms wishing her "Merry Christmas" yesterday. Well, her blog isn't that hard to understand, and i can feel how she feel right now. Alone, far away from her friends and 'someone', the distance...

Being with her friends had been a habit for her, a routine... something that she already get used to it. Because of work, she had to change that routine, that habit... I know how hard it is... The feeling is just like, quitting the habit of smoking, for me.

But each and everyone of us, will face changes someday, sometime, for sure. Hoping something will never change is like, hoping you'll never grow old and die. I had faced this kind of situation for few times. I guess i'm getting more and more used to it.

When i was 15... The feeling of staying back together, go have lunch together, play basketball together...with friends for two years... Gone.

When i was 16... The feeling of hanging out for a movie, play games together in cybercafe... Gone. The feeling of hanging out in Gurney Drive, the crazy act of going Batu Feringgi just to buy some audio CD and going Bukit Mertajam for St. Anne Day with a group of friends on bike... Gone.

When i was 17... The feeling of having someone to talk to at night, the feeling of morning call, the feeling of care, the feeling of holding hands, the feeling of looking forward to meet each other... Gone.

When i was 18... The feeling of being in a group of like-minded people, the feeling of being in the club... the feeling of doing something meaningful for myself... Gone.

When i was 19... The feeling of... (i can't differentiate when i was 19 and when i was 20[now]... it seems like one year never ended.) Whatever... Gone.

When i was 20... The feeling of just 6 of us together... Clubbing together, watch movie together, go 'birdshit' together, go Genting together, go KL, Sungai Wang together, Thai Club together... About to be Gone.

I miss those were the days....

When i will be 21... Argh! Fuck the changes. I'll get a chameleon to bite me so i got its super power, the ability to change color to suit the environment. Ngek ngek~~~

Anyway, as i look back to all these things happened... I see them, as life trying to teach me lessons, to grow up. To let me know, that The Only Everlastingness is the Everchangingness. All i can do, is to go through every process faithfully, with a hope and belief that tomorrow will be better day... =)

"We can't direct the wind,
But we can adjust the sail."
-Anonymous

The Untitled.

I am your close friend,
your good friend, and your best friend.
That's the closest we can get.
You mean more than that to me,
but i can never let you know.
I wish that i can tell you how i feel,
I wish that i can be with you.
And, together, we share our joy and sorrow,
but this will not be possible.
As you already got the person you love.

I can never replace him...
I can never be him...

Every time you shared with me,
the joy you had with him,
I am jealous.
Every time you shared with me,
the sadness you felt because of him,
I cried for you.

I want to be with you.
We are so close but yet so far.
Only one thing that make our distance,
It's all just because,
I am a girl...

Unexpected? Lunaticgal said, "u like to write story about yourself" Who said that i only write stories and poets about myself? I will write whenever i got inspiration or idea. At first, i'm gonna write a short story about the girl has affection on her classmate in secondary school. She has a dilemma because she want to be with that another girl, and she's kinda can't accept that she actually like girls, romantically... Lesbianism. (Well, that's kinda old since nowadays lesbianism is quite common in all girls school especially chinese girls school. I'm not kidding.)

I got this from the movie, "V for Vendetta" but because of my current expressing skills =.=" I canceled that, and write it in other way. V for Vendetta, i like the part when the woman in the cell wrote about her story with toilet paper and slipped it under rats hole, hoping to let others know about it. That part is quite touching. In that world, where radical Christians govern the country... homosexual people are treated worst than terrorists.

This, considered as one of my favourite.

"Unanswered Friday Night"

He still lie awake on his bed with his eyes closed, thinking about the questions which had left unanswered. "You know this is true," the voice of his trusted friend keep playing in his mind. Actually, deep down inside, he had already got the answers long ago. He ignored it, and by letting feelings took over, he lied to himself, comforting himself, and creating baseless hopes for the possibility he desired.

After being a positive-thinking person for so long, his optimism finally backfired him. Helplessness got into him, because... things had gone out from his expectation. He is struggling within him, between his heart and his mind, between feelings and logics, debating on the reality of his situation. He knows, that the latter is speaking the truth.

He wants to cry so badly, but no matter how hard he tried, he can't. He had forgotten how to let his tears roll down from his eyes... All he can do, is trying hard to clear everything from his mind, and ignore this issue again.

"It must be the beer that cause me this negativity... There are things which is more important than this..." he kept reminding himself this sentence, lied to himself, blamed on alcohol and avoid the truth, again...

-----------------------------------------------------

"Unanswered Friday Night," i got this title suddenly. The sentence, "Malam Jumaat" came into my mind while writing. "Malam Jumaat" means Friday Night in Malay. Maybe, i read a lot of Malay no-head no-tail short stories, and when i write short stories, i will try to write it, in Malay style. Friday Night doesn't sound nice to me. So, because this story is about thinking the unanswered questions, and in the end, the main character still can't accept the answers presented to him... I named it Unanswered Friday Night."

I used to write a lot of short stories while in secondary school, but i had forgotten a lot of writing styles and vocabulary after i stopped for 3 years. I decided to write again. So, this is my first attempt :) and i hope i could complete a novel in future.

I will write more when i am in mood. More will come again :D

From the author, Just Simple.

I Learn

After a while i learn the subtle
difference between holding a
hand and chaining a soul,

And i learn that love doesn't
mean leaning and company...
doesn't mean security,
And i begin to learn that kisses
aren't contracts and presents...
aren't promises,
And i begin to accept my defeats
with my head up and my
eyes open, with the grace of
an adult, not the grief of a child,
And i learn to build all my
roads today because tomorrow's
ground is too uncertain for plans.

After a while i learn that even
sunshine burns if i get too much.
So i plant my garden and
decorate my own soul, instead
of waiting for someone to bring
me flowers.
And i learn that i really
can endure... that i am strong,
And i really do have worth.

No Room For Me

V : "You are getting complicated. You don't belong to them. Get a life and be normal."
ABK : "Are you done with your PLU? If yes, you can join us tonight."
HS : "No breath talking to Bann. Let him wake up himself."
Y : "Saturday? Don't want... I got used to club on Ladies' Night coz we don't have to pay."
B : "I'm disappointed coz in my mind, you are a masculine person... but actually a sissy."

You called a few times, keep asking me, "Are you fine?" "Is everything ok?" It's sarcastic to me and it's not funny. It's not a care to me. Just get straight to the point that you are asking me, "Are you normal now?"

Two of you only interested in fucking which girls and which girls, how to find one night stand, where got nicer prostitutes, when wanna club again and open how many bottles of whisky. This kind of conversation is not my cup of tea. Guys chatting about this is fine, but not every session. I feel like listening to national geography talking bout animals instinct during mating season. Respect the girls please.

I realized that i need to pay on Ladies' Night. It's fine as long as everyone have fun. It's give and take. But, by telling me that, it seems unfair to me.

Lastly, i got nothing to say. You MAY be right that i'm a sissy. By the way, i do prefer boyish girls than girlish girls. Let me find out whether do this connected to my sissiness. Let me check.

I burst. Forgive me if i offended you guys. I need room to speak my mind and i got no place to go to other than my blog. Sorry...

Some feel that i'm a strong and fine all the time fellow, but...
Every strong man has a weak heart, every weak man has a strong heart.

18 days left... Life Auditting Pt 1

"Audit: a methodical examination or review of a condition or situation"

I have been auditing my life. The year 2006 will gonna end soon, and i will be 21 years old next year. I'm gonna be an adult very very soon. I have been thinking, what had i done in the past 20 years? How much have i grown up? How much i had learn? I have no result to show. I had been a failure in my past 20 years. My relationship failed, my friendship failed, my studies failed, my finance failed, my family relation failed. Hm... Big failure. What more i can say?

Is this destiny? Is this fate? Is this... my choice? I think the correct answer should be, My Choice. I choose to be in this way. It could be better if i choose other way. I know what i want, i tried to work it out, but it was i who screwed up everything. I lost myself to weak self-control.

Lost to temptation, obsession, indiscipline...
I have been questioning, is there a way, not to connect emotions to something? The answer : "Get out from normal life and become a monk."
Well, i don't think that will be my decision.

After i finish auditing my life... I will reset myself, and replace my old principles. Let me be a MAN (no more sissy, i'm normal). I lack of self-control, i must be in control after the year ended.

My Day

One of my friend, a net friend said that i changed because i decided not to go clubbing last night. I went clubbing last Wednesday, and last Saturday. I spent rm90 for these two clubbing functions. Wednesday, my friend going to leave for Sabah the next day. Saturday, all my old friends are going, so, it'll be bad if i said 'No'.

I ended up... pennyless in my wallet. Sigh~ I gotta wait till Friday before Mum send me my next half of this month's allowance.

Last two days, on Tuesday, Chris called me, "I'm very tight now, can return my money?" Then, another friend who i owed money to called and didn't say anything... Then, another friend called and asking money again... Three creditors called in one morning. At night, my friend, Allan in KL, send me a message in MSN, "Oi, money."

=.= DEEP SHIT! What's gonna come, will come. It's just matter of time...

-------------------------------------------

I just reformatted my PC, everything gone and clean. The CDs i burnt which contain my mp3, and stuff... unable to be copied into my hard disk. It must be because i set the burn speed to max. All my favourite songs... is gone. I will have to redownload everything again. No choice.

I have to reinstall all my previous software. I reinstalled MSN messenger, mozzila firefox browser, adobe photoshop, avast antivirus... What i need again?

1) Bit Comet
2) Limewire
3) Real Player
4) Adobe Reader
5) Microsoft Office
6) Winamp
7) RAR

Buying a hard disk for backup is not cheap, but not having a backup hard disk is more expensive! Gotta get one after i start working.

-------------------------------------------

I had sent in my application letter and resume to Public Bank. They still haven't called me. I'm kinda nervous but my friend told me that they need time to process the letter and set schedule for interview. So, all i can do now is wait for the call. If i can't get it, nevermind, i will apply at other Public Bank. Minimum NET pay is rm800. Hmm... extra rm100 to rm400 from what i normally get from my mum. It'll be fine for me.

-------------------------------------------

My right ear is deaf for the moment. I need to get a medical checkup.

-------------------------------------------

Tomorrow will be better :)

Aku Bukan Pilihan Hatimu

Jika memang diriku bukanlah menjadi pilihan hatimu
Mungkin sudah takdirnya kau dan aku takkan mungkin bersatu

Harus slalu kau tahu
Ku mencintamu disepanjang waktuku
Harus slalu kau tahu
Semua abadi untuk slamanya

Karena ku yakin cinta dalam hatiku
Hanya milikmu sampai akhir hidupku
Karena ku yakin disetiap hembus nafasku
Hanya dirimu satu yang slalu ku rindu

Jika memang diriku bukanlah menjadi pilihan hatimu...

Emo Junpei sent me this emo song from Ungu. I like the lyrics but some are not revelant and not kinda realistic to me. I just don't feel things such as forever UNLESS u had married for 30 years, grow old together with your spouse, got children, got grandchildren, by then, you can say "I Love You Forever" since you gonna die soon anyway.

The lyrics... is romantic to me. Especially this part;

Jika memang diriku bukanlah menjadi pilihan hatimu
Mungkin sudah takdirnya kau dan aku takkan mungkin bersatu

which means,

If i am not your heart's choice
It's already a destiny that we will not be together

Ooo~~~ So romantic~

(Yeah, i know my meaning of romantic is tragic.)

Get This In Your Nearest Bookstore NOW!

Lunatic Gal makes this for me. Hahahahaha. I like it :) Thanks Luna~ I will make one for you soon, after i learn how to use photoshop.

By the way, i'm back to normal. No more sissy =.=

So Beautiful

I bought a local graphical novel (comic) titled, "Begitu Indah". Yeap, it's in Malay language. It means, "So Beautiful".

The story is about a photographer, Ari and his girlfriend, Qistina. They know each other in a photo shop and after being a regular customer of Qistina for one year, they naturally fall in love with each other.

Later, Ari found out that Qistina is suffering from bullimia, which means her body rejects food. No matter what, Ari still loves her. He said two phrases that i found quite meaningful, let me translate in english (they write broken malay and it's a pain in the ass to understand since my malay so weak.)

This one came from a movie Before Sunrise (1995);

"If there's any kind of magic in this world it must be in the attempt of understanding someone sharing something. I know, it's almost impossible to succeed but who cares really? The answer must be in the attempt."

And another one, "Maybe I like you based on other kind of reason? A want to build our future with you?"

In the episode before the epilogue, Ari got an offer from a US magazine company because of his photographing skills (most of the inspiration came from Qistina). The pay is huge, and because of the pay, he is able to pay for the cost for Qistina's rehab to cure her bullimia. Ari's contract with the company is 4 years and Qistina's rehab period is about 4 years. They promised each other, in these 4 years, they will focus on their own responsibility. Ari will focus on building his career while Qistina will focus on curing her bullimia.

In the last episode... It happened roughly a year after that promise was made. Qistina died because lack of nutrition in her body. Ari cried. He can't accept that reality and he kept himself inside the room for a week. After a week, he came out from the room with a calm look like nothing happened. He lost his mind. He still believes that Qistina is still alive, and he still hang on to the four years promise.

His career strive, he became so popular and everyone know about him. His life was so perfect except love. One day, his best friend couldn't stand it anymore and told him everything, trying to wake him up. He even showed him the death cert of Qistina.

The last two page, Ari talked to himself. (let me translate in english again.)

"Is it true that i lie to myself just to make me happy? Maybe...
I need to believe in my hope.
I need to believe that what i told Qistina about 'happiness of our future' is still there though that day hasn't arrive yet.
I need to believe that our future that i'd been waiting for will arrive someday.
But, will that day arrive? Yes... It will...
Everyone need a dream to live... I am no exception."

(I sucks in translating malay to english... so try to understand.)

So, the ending is... the girl died, and the guy become insane.

Tragic? Yeah, and i feel.... it's Romantic too...

Bombay Sapphire + Bombay Sapphire + Chivas = Dead Drunk

I had a great time in Chillout with my friends... Andy and Steph, Bali and Kelly, Huey Shen and ABK, Paul and Maverick... So happening. It's been a long time since i have fun with them.

Andy and Steph kissing in the corner, Kelly kiss kiss Bali, Huey Shen french with a 19 years old girl... When drunk, all bad behaviour come out. Like LL Cool J sang, "It's so hard to control myself."

Got a gay sissy in our table. Feel very normal now =.= ABK swapped his credit card for a bottle of Chivas. Everyone gone crazy~~~~

And again, i need Maverick to drag me out to my car and he drive. I was pawned again by alcohol.

I guess this is the end. Gonna start working soon. Gonna write a job application letter to pass to my friend in Public Bank. I look forward to it. Start working start working~

Exam Paper

I finished my last paper in 1 and half hour. It seems so easy to me. I'm wondering whether it's easy or i do wrong.

When the exam paper is too hard, we get nervous and forget everything we studied. Then we feel bad after the exam.

When the exam paper is too easy, we get worry whether we do right or wrong.

Hmm.... No matter what, we feel bad. Curse of exam >.<

New Look

I was searching for new template in Blogskin, then i come across a template by puppie89 which titled Kissing Chaos.

The whole thing is quite nice except the picture, so i changed it with the picture that i got. The picture gave me a feeling of wilderness and romantic... It's like, defying the laws and rules, and love without boundary. Yeah, that's the symbol...

At first, i wanna use this template for my other blog, but end up.... it's too nice. So i used it here :D

Well, now i think i realize that the artist in me never really died. He's just taking a rest... When i got my inspiration, i will do the work of art again. So, i had been thinking of sketching again, writing stories again... Do anything that work out my right brain!

I hope yer guys like this new look :

What is Friendship?

One of my friend had left Penang to Sabah for her career. The whole circle, got so emo for the last few days and on the last day in the airport. What about me? I don't feel anything emo except glad and happy for her that she chose to make an advancement in her career.

What i felt is, it's not like that person gonna die or something like that. I look forward to meet them again in the not so distant future. Well, it'll not be the same when your close friends left you.

I felt something missing before when Ah Keat, Stephen and Kelvin went to Ipoh and KL to work. They, especially Ah Keat gave me the real feeling of a strong bond friendship. I called Ah Keat the next day after they leave and still called him once in awhile while he's in Ipoh.

I never miss my friends after that.

I never feel anything emo when my friends leave. Is it because i don't feel any bond in friendship? Some may say i don't appreciate my friends? Maybe it's true? Maybe i feel that i can find another group of friends easily in the next minute after i lost one? I'm tired of meetings and seperation thingy. I met a lot of disappointment before, so i feel all friends are the same? Best friends, close friends, normal friends?

I wanna settle down too and be apart of a permanent circle. I'd been hopping around for sometime. From Dino and friends, to Ah Keat and friends, to Vliamz and friends, to Huey Shen and friends, to Bird and friends...

But, i do learn while hopping around. I learnt alot of different circle of friends... The best lesson i had learnt is, the Art of Don't Care. Different people got different attitude and behaviour. Forget their bad things, and appreciate their good things.

Some people felt that i am good in handling people. Honestly, i'm a rookie in that art. I messed up alot. Last Tuesday (5thDecember), i went to Queensbay to shop for belt. But i ended up buying a book in Popular bookstore, titled, "How to Win Friends and Influence People." Currently, i'm reading this now to improve my relations with other people.

I admit that i have no natural capability to deal with people especially my friends after so many troubles with friends and relationship. So, i'm learning now, back to basic.

Makes me feel Romantic...

I feel sad sometimes,
I feel nervous sometimes,
I feel depress sometimes,

But still,

I feel happy,
I feel peace,
I feel comfortable,

I don't know where will i arrive,
I don't what will i get in the end of the journey,
But, all i want, is to be with you.

Isn't that... Romantic?

Organizing Ourselves in MSN Messenger

Realize a way to evaluate a person about their self-organizing while chatting in MSN Messenger (not windows messenger).

I guess most of us got friends who type a message, and that message will be such a pain for us to read because it mixed with emoticons. A "Haha", "No" etc etc become an icon, while they try to type a sentence.

Well, i don't like to mix up emoticon while typing a sentence in MSN Messenger. So, i organize those emoticons into "haha1", "omg2" etc etc. Means, i will type in the emoticon when i want to show that particular emoticon.

This way, it's much organized and it won't give my friends headache while chatting with them.

Now, my theory is...

Those that organize their emoticon in MSN Messenger properly, are those who organize themselves well in real life too in one way or another. They got the "organized" part in them.

And those who never organize their emoticon... well, the opposite. They want it to be easy for them, and they don't care if their friends got problem reading their sentence (selfish).

This bad isn't it? If you're the person not organizing your emoticon in MSN Messenger, start from now, do yourself a favor, to practise the habit of self-organizing.

P.S: Is this a critic post? I don't... A self-help post to me :)

Love Plot makes the world interesting.

While bathing just now, something came up into my mind. Love had been so complicated all these while, and still, there are people who likes to make it more complicated. I'm included of course. We got Couple Love, One-sided Love, Distant Love, Secret Love, etc etc...

In TV drama, some of the common plot that we know, Triangle Love.

What is Triangle Love? I can explain that, using this way.

Boy A and Boy B love the same Girl OR Girl A and Girl B love the same Boy. Either it's about Girl/Boy can't make decision who to choose or one-sided love by one of the A or B.

Another scenario, some said it's also Triangle Love but i don't agree. I call it One Flow Love. It goes A like B who like C.

Another not so common but still common plot that we will find in TV drama is...

The Rectangular or Square Love~!

This adds in more complicate scenario where;

Boy A loves Girl A who loves Boy B who loves Girl B.
Or,
Boy A who loves Girl B who loves Boy B who loves Girl A who loves Boy A. (This could form an X so this is more likely to be called Square Love.)

Sigh... Humans like to make things so complicated. What to do leh?

BUT!!!

Wait till you read what i'm gonna write that make things WORST!!! I called it, Maze Love.

......
......
......
......
......
......
......

A Gay guy likes a Straight guy who likes a Lesbian girl who likes a Straight girl who likes that Gay guy.

@.@