Myself

Feeling uneasy and moody caused my uncontrollable actions which happened few days ago, i meditate to get myself peace and free of mind in order to continue the days without frustration and depression.

It's kinda bullshit when you did something yourself, and you felt guilty over it. I don't blame anyone or anything because it's me who chose to take those action. Influence and temptation, i can't seems to fight off this easily for a while and most of the time, in the end, i failed. I tried to quit smoking, quit alcohol, quit caffeine and... but nothing seems working. I became worst and worst.

For each vices that i did, it seems like the gap become wider and wider between us. To make it funny, it's like a Christian asking for forgiveness each time he sinned, but all the time, he did again and again. Those prayers that he made, is best to be thrown into the sea.

I feel like, i want to be reborn again. Slowly, adding thoughts, ideas, philosophies, and values into myself to be a better person that i'd always wanted to be, but failed along the way. Will it be too late for me to rebuild my life again...? To be those pure person, that i believed myself as one until i destroyed that purity myself not long ago? (maybe very long time ago)

Sadly, i found out that i am someone who rather been told what to do, and what not to do, than a person who can stand on my own ground living up my principles. The one and only principle i pride myself in, had long gone... I guess, i am lost right now. Lost to the world which pushes me around.

Meditation is good. At least during that moment i feel peace and thinks nothing. I think nothing about the future, i think nothing about the present, i think nothing about the past, i think nothing about myself nor others.

Set a standard for myself. I still have time (maybe i will die anytime soon) and just by living every single day, being loyal and truthful to myself... can be an achievement...