I See Myself In Her

There is this friend, CL who is very dear to me. I watched her left the scene last Saturday night. I heard her cries, i saw her emotionless face expression... I saw the other two smiling... I lose myself. What i can think of on that night, "Fuck, wrong person leaving..."

I was sad, i was mad, i was angry.

I can even think of a very childish sentence in me...

I lost myself again, seriously... For the second time in 20 days...

She reminds me of myself. It's like a reflection of the past, when i'm still young. Five years ago, because of high expectation in friendship, i screwed everything, when things wasn't the same like before. I told myself that i don't care, but i am hurt inside. When problems come again, i lost control and fucked everyone up. My friends started to walk back a few steps behind. I feel lonely after that.

What happened after that? I hurt myself. I kept myself in my room. I cut myself. I smoke cigarettes and marijuana. I suffered from depression. I felt as if the whole world no longer care and it'll will be fine or much better without me. Feeling like 'lay down and die'... giving up everything. I hurt myself JUST to find someone to care, but when care arrived, i fuck them off, trying to get more care. Well, we know, it'll never work this way. It'll only become worst.

Not until after 17 (my ex-girlfriend gave me more depression =.= luckily i start reading to find ways to curb my problems) i started to feel much better after getting control of myself. Lower my expectation from my friends and loved ones. I went for a quest to search philosophies to guide me. I became someone who MOST of the time (not all the time of course) could control my emotion with my mind. Whenever i feel angry, my mind will tell me reasons why i shouldn't be angry. Whenever i feel sad, my mind will tell me reasons why i shouldn't be sad. These were indeed a good news for me. But i become older and older as i find more and more. Lesser things could excites me until now.

Back to Saturday night, i guess i was blinded by Bias. I become one-sided while all along, i was a neutral guy. I have this feeling that something is not right, i have this feeling that there is no justice. This is all because of Bias. Yeah... my fault. And it's complicated.

My heart wants to know everything, but my mind tell me, "For what?", "What's the point?", "It no longer my business anyway."

I can't say much about the other party. They may be one-sided too. What i think which may be true, is false to them. And what they think which may be true, is false to me. We trust different people. I trust CL and Y, she trust R. I don't have anything to say since i know there is no right or wrong, true or false. It's just how we look at things.

Heh... complicated.

I don't have to care? Fun friends? Maybe if i don't care just like before, i will feel much better. Just enjoy their companionship then? Things that are emotional-attached is something we will never be able to understand. Love, Friendship, Family...

I don't know alot, and i'm too tired to know them...for now.

I will be okay soon. I got my life in deep shit, i will just change my focus on my own life rather than someone else's life. For these few days, it's the best if i kept myself in solitude. Meditate, really understand myself and control myself... I still wanna hang out with them (some will say i'm a masochist =.= i am both Sadist and Masochist!)

Need some mental and emotion rest for few days! So, find those who won't share problems with me for few days... until Saturday. ARGH!!!!!